why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
