Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
