I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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