I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
