i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.