There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
