My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
