i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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