sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize