All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.