My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?