You can't special order awesome
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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