Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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