I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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