I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
