What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
