I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
