I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
