Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
