I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
