So drunk its hurt
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
