Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
