They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i've created a new STD.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
