i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
