The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Houston, we have a squirter
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
