i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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