im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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