Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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