We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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