Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
