he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
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i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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