Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
