i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
