Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
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