it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
