Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And then the night went full on bisexual.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
