oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
