dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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