i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
