i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
