i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
