i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I touched a dick in church today
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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