I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
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Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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