It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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