1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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