Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
