A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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