There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
