i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
