every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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