I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
