I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
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Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
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Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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