if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
