Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
