Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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