so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
