I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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