Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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