you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
